Leaving Barbieland
It has to be at least a decade when I cried, cheered, and laughed in a movie theatre. Last night, I sat with bright eyes and a wide smile watching, loving, feeling like Greta Gerwig made Barbie for me.
By now, most of us have seen Gloria (America Ferrara)’s powerful monologue that had so many powerful lines, but the one that resonated most with me was ‘You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people.’
There’s no wonder there are so many women on the verge of burn out- we’re all leaning in and trying to deliver on impossible ideals. My two best friends, who I met in college,all from California, lived in NYC, had our babies in NYC, had great jobs, managed big teams, worked long hours, ate at amazing restaurants, knew the best places to go out, traveled to exotic places on the weekends, etc. It wasn’t exactly Barbieland, but from Instagram, walks in Central Park with our beautiful families, or running on the Hudson or drinks on exclusive rooftops, it sure looked that way. The reality was, the demands in our work and home life continued to increase and compound, so much so that the fun, instaworthy stuff became so much less and all that was left was a cycle of laptop, Zoom, kids, rinse repeat. It was a success to make it through the day in one piece. We were pressuring ourselves to be these perfect city-dwelling, educated, senior corporate leaders, super moms, while being chic enough to get in anywhere but down to earth enough to not be looking like we’re trying. We were working even harder than what we did before kids in 600 square feet.
Reluctantly, all three of us eventually left NYC for back to California. Contrary to what it sounds like above- it wasn’t burn out that made us leave Barbieland. It was actually making a healthy choice that it wasn’t for us anymore. That choice felt sad, it felt like failure, it felt heartbreaking.
I felt guilty for actually choosing life and balance over achievement. Despite me feeling awful about it, I also knew it was the right thing to do.
Whether in Barbieland, New York, Minneapolis, or the moon— it’s up to each one of us as leaders, as workers, as people— to take an honest look at grace. Many women are told to have grace. We give it to everyone else, but yet are afforded very little. Have we had grace on ourselves? Have we had grace on our teammates who may be going through something in their lives? As women, although we’ve had it hard, can we accept that maybe that mentoring is showing them grace versus the fire? Hint to leadership gold-star: If you have the ultra-performer who is hard on themselves, don’t let them keep doing it, step in and make them feel that they’re doing great. As a leader, you expecting people to self regulate is ridiculous- sometimes they are grafting because of the pressure you are putting on them. Read the cues.
I’m currently working with a few companies in early stages of their business and it’s really refreshing to hear about the kind of genuine cultures they want to build. Usually it’s grow first, worry about the culture later or build a culture to avoid backlash on glassdoor. Their culture of empowerment, flexibility, family balance is not a nice to have, it’s a strategic pillar. I’m excited for this new brand of entrepreneur and leader coming up the ranks. I think the Millennials in particular understand that flexibility is earned, but trust, empowerment, and support are not just fluffy things, but actually contribute to better performance. To my surprise, the biggest push on this culture shift is coming from men entrepreneurs, and all these Kens should equally feel that they are Kenough.
